If you are new here or have stumbled across this page, welcome. You are probably unfamiliar with our story. At the end of June, our beautiful baby girl Shaundi was born and she was perfect and such a joy! In early September, my husband found her unresponsive and not breathing. Life with in our family with one of our babies gone has been hard. I’m sharing our journey here.
It’s birthday season in our house. Each of my girls were born in the early summer months. Lulu was born close to the end of May, Scoutie was born 2 years and 2 weeks later in early June and Shaundi was born 1 year and 2 weeks after Scoutie, also in June. Explanations of when each girl moves from being one age to the next have been continuous and difficult to grasp. There’s one transition that Lulu still doesn’t quite grasp but after our conversation tonight, she might.
We were discussing releasing balloons again for baby Shaundi’s birthday. Lulu was asking if Shaundi was going to still get old like everyone else. I explained that she would not.
“Mommy, will Shaundi always be zero years old?”
Yes. Yes. My baby will always be 72 days old. She’ll always be tiny in my heart and in my mind. The dust that she has become will be only that old. Yes, nine months have past and she was born nearly one year ago but she will always be zero. 0. It’s a big hole. It’s a permanent hole. It’s the number of loneliness. It’s the number of heartbreak. It’s the number that doesn’t exist. There’s nothing there.