If you are new here or have stumbled across this page, welcome. You are probably unfamiliar with our story. At the end of June, our beautiful baby girl Shaundi was born and she was perfect and such a joy! In early September, my husband found her unresponsive and not breathing. Life with in our family with one of our babies gone has been hard. I’m sharing our journey here.
For months I’ve cried out to God and asked, “Why?” I’ve said it in anger, in desperation, in tears, in anguish, in pain.
I’m done asking why.
There is no answer to the question that God or anyone else can ever give me that will make the death of my sweet Shaundi okay. There’s no answer that will satisfy this pain in my throat, in my stomach, in my heart. I’ve tried to answer it myself, I’ve heard “reasons” from other people and none of them help.
The only question I still have is, “How?”
How will I survive this? Yes, even eight months later I don’t know how to survive. I’m dying inside faster than a woman my age should. I’m angrier at people than I should be. I’m just getting by when it comes to my emotions and my care.
How? How many more days or years will I live without my girl? How am I supposed to live my whole life when a part of me is gone. Completely gone. I’d rather have lost a limb than such a chunk of my heart. Aren’t there other organs that regenerate that I could have had a slice taken away? How can I do this?
Today I’m taking my kids back to a place that we spent time at just a few days before we lost Shaundi, and I’m really struggling. As much as I’m looking forward to it, I’ve been overly emotional today and I’ve finally identified why. Eight months ago I packed up the final box in my office at work, I loaded all three kids into the van after daycare and we headed to an event for children and families. I can vividly remember the conversations with Lulu about why there were boxes in the car, “Why are you taking your office home?”
Because I work at home now.
“That’s a GREAT idea!” and now I would get to take the three girls more places to have fun. Starting that night we were going to play so much more now…all of us together.
But I didn’t get to play with all three of my girls. We played for one more weekend. I had one day as a self employed, stay at home mom. One day. And then Shaundi was gone. I treasure the months I’ve had with Scoutie and Lulu and I love them so much. Still, there’s no answer for “why?” that would satiate my mind, not answer that would make anything better or make me feel peace. There’s no answer good enough for a momma who loses a child.
I don’t ask why anymore.