For the first time in my life, finding myself is very, very hard.

Find Myself

3045_577819273654_1757136_nOur family loves to travel together. I’ve always loved traveling. The love of travel comes to me from my parents love of travel. Often when you ask people why they travel they say it’s to find themselves.

That’s never been the case for me, I’ve always had a pretty good sense of self. Who I am has changed a lot over the years but I’ve never needed traveling to find myself. All I need to do is look around my world, at my reality, and there, I found myself. I know who I am, I know what I want, I know how to do things. My reason for traveling was not to find myself, but to find others, to find out more about the world around me, about the other people in the world. That was my reason for traveling.

When I was a teenager I found myself very unhappy as a highschooler, I didn’t really care for the 3045_577819138924_1907904_nworld around me. I wanted to escape, to get away. I wanted to see things and experience things that couldn’t be found in a textbook or in the hallways of a high school. I was fortunate to get to do some of that traveling during high school; Nicaragua, Mexico, Hawaii and many other states.

When I finished high school I wanted to see more of the world, I wanted to find out about other people even more, I wanted to learn about suffering. I wish I had been more specific when I indicated that I wanted to learn about suffering, because during what was supposed to be a very long (1-2 year) trip to Africa, I found myself suffering. My brother was killed in a car accident at the age of 15. I ended my trip to return home to be with my family.

I continued to travel on shorter trips; Guatemala, Dominican Republic and even more of the United States. I found myself looking for a job that would keep me close to my family instead of so far, far away from the world that I had wished to be apart from just months earlier.

999086_10100694001033434_572677993_n (1)After working for a while and attending college, I found myself restless. I wanted to explore more but still be able to get home within a day, so I moved Indiana. Since moving to Indiana my overseas adventures have been far and few in between but my road trips have happened quite frequently. I’ve explored the land that God has put me.

I found myself as a wife to my husband when we were married. I found myself as the mom to my daughter Lulu when she was born.  I found myself as an employee, as a daughter-in-law, as a mother to two little girls and then as a mother to three little girls. I never had a problem finding myself.

Today I find myself as a grieving mom of two little girls and no longer a mom of three little girls. Finding myself at this time is difficult. It’s difficult because I don’t want to find myself here, I want to find myself somewhere else, I want to find myself as I was two and a half weeks ago.

For the first time in my life, finding myself is very, very hard.

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