People talk about “profound sadness” or “unbearable sadness” or “remarkable sadness” when they discuss losing a child. I don’t understand those words. Those aren’t words I would use to describe these feelings… but they are the only words out there. There are no adjectives to go along with the grief that floods my heart EVERY.SINGLE.DAY.
There are no adjectives to describe the disappointment that buries my breath as I realize that this is permanent. That these thoughts, these feelings, this situation, this loss — it’s all permanent. Every day I relive the realization that this is it. There is no rewinding, no changing anything. There’s no do overs. There nothing. This is it.
There’s nothing that I can tell you, no words I can use to share how heavy this emptiness is. It’s not unexpected, it’s not surprising. It’s sadness that is unimaginable. Absolutely completely imaginable.
Even though I’m living it, it’s unimaginable. Every single night as I go to bed I can’t tolerate the pain that I feel. I can’t imagine ever feeling good or whole or complete again. Every morning when I wake up, my heart still can’t comprehend that this is reality. This is the truth.
My brain knows, my arms know but my heart can’t translate reality and it begs and begs for something different. For something that feels right. For some sort of relief. My brain begs for words–words to tell my heart, to tell my family, to tell strangers. But there are none.
Just as difficult as it was for me last month, as a mother holding tiny baby, trying to capture the words to share how much I love that baby — It’s the same level of difficulty to develop the words about my loss because this feeling of loss is just an extension of that very same love.
There never were words for that love but I didn’t need them because I had the possibility of expressing them in ways that a mother can love her children. But now the possibility of loving that baby, of SHOWING her how much I love her…that possibility is gone.
So now I search for the words because all I have left are words, words that leave me looking high and low, near and far, words that leave me stranded.