This will NEVER be okay.

One Week: On the Death of My Child

#loveforshaundiIt’s so hard to believe that one week ago I was sitting at McAlister’s Deli writing my weekly articles for the website. It’s so hard to believe that one week ago a police car arrived and rushed me to the hospital. It’s so hard to believe that one week ago life took such a tragic turn. It’s hard to believe one week ago we were told that things “looked extremely grim”. It’s hard to believe that one week ago I called my mom and dad in California and said, “Please come.”

There have been so many times in my life that I’ve messed up — forgotten to return library books, gotten a speeding ticket, been involved in a fender bender, had to go to court because I forgot to pay a traffic ticket, got behind on my mortgage…the list goes on and on. Without fail, my parents were there to help me, my friends bailed me out, I lived in shame for a week and then things worked themselves out.

It’s hard to believe that this time, no matter how many friends I call, no matter how much I beg my parents to help, no matter how many times the sun rises or sets, no one can fix this situation.

I have stressed over so many things in life and somehow everything has worked out in the end, everything has been okay–different but okay. This. This will NEVER be okay. This will NEVER feel worked out. This. This is a four letter word.

Baby Shaundi Mann was born on April 29th. Shaundi died suddenly on September 4th. You can read more about our grief journey on Indy with Kids.

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