my want, my yearning is so big and so deep that there is no more room for any more

Other Babies

shaundi smile while asleepI wondered how I would feel the first time I came across someone with a baby who is the same age Shaundi was when she died. I wondered how I would feel when I came across parents with babies that are the same age that Shaundi would be at that moment had she lived.

This weekend I saw a three month old baby. When Shaundi died a week and a half ago she was 72 days old, today she would be 84 days old. This three-month old was so alert, he knew his mom, he wanted his mom, he was happy, he had tears of protest when something didn’t go his way, he could hold his head up, he was beautiful. I just wanted to study him and watch him forever and remember more about how my own little baby moved before she left us and more about what milestones she might be reaching if everything was normal. I just want to watch how they move and try to remember.shaundi eyes open

Seeing this baby made me so happy but yes, it is a reminder that my arms are so, so empty and my soul is so, so bruised. Seeing other children doesn’t make me long for my sweet baby Shaundi any more than I already do because my want, my yearning is so big and so deep that there is no more room for any more longing.

Every situation, every experience is a new experiment on my soul, on my emotions, and on my heart. Everything is new, every emotion is raw and I am so exposed to the elements.

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