If you are new here or have stumbled across this page, welcome. You may be unfamiliar with our story. At the end of June 2013, our beautiful baby girl Shaundi was born and she was perfect and such a joy! In early September, my husband found her unresponsive and not breathing. Life with one of our babies gone has been hard. I’ve shared our journey here.

The problem with love is that it’s a function of your heart. And your heart is stupid. It really, really is. If love had anything to do with your brain, then everything would be okay.

Your brain knows when something isn’t right, true or real.

But your heart is with so much fault.

Your heart will continue to be in love with someone who isn’t right, your heart will convince you of things that aren’t true.

My heart is constantly trying to figure out how to get Shaundi back. My heart is constantly trying to bring her home — trying to figure out how this can play another way.

My heart relives the pain when another family suffers the loss of a child. My heart has me convinced that there could be a different way. My heart watches as other families go through the same decisions we had to make — and when they are victorious or there’s a miracle, my heart is convinced that this very same miracle could be ours.

But it’s over.

My heart won’t hear it.

My brain is smarter.

My brain is the one that sheds these tears. My brain is the one sitting here sobbing — my brain knows.

The heart will constantly try to find reconciliation, miracles. The heart has more faith than the brain.

But my heart, my heart is with fault. It is over. It has BEEN over for four years now. Any my heart won’t take no for an answer. Won’t take goodbye for truth.

The tears, the sobbing, the pain of it all — my heart doesn’t understand. Until the day that I die, my heart will be searching, like a cell phone looking for a signal, my heart will look and look and look for Shaundi to be back in my arms, until the battery dies.

Photos by Casey Coombs