Shortly after Shaundi was admitted to the hospital the doctor began talking to us about donating her organs for other children. It was so difficult to think of that being a decision that was a reality. We had just arrived at the hospital, to me this was the beginning, there was still time, a chance that she might make it, right? She hadn’t been on earth long enough to be in this situation, everything just HAD to work out, right?
Why couldn’t someone else’s baby have spare parts for MY baby? Why didn’t another family have to choose to save MY baby’s life? Why was it MY baby had to be the sacrifice? Why did we have to give everything WE had? Weren’t there spare parts out there for MY baby? Could SHE be fixed, couldn’t SHE be repaired?
Oh God, the pain of even thinking about all of that.
I’m a selfish momma, I want my baby in my arms, I want her sweet beautiful cheeks to be pink, her toes to wiggle, her eyes to gaze into mine. I want her heart to pump blood throughout her body, her lungs to breath in fresh air, her brain to feel the joy of the love we all have for her. I don’t want to let her go–not a single part of her, not a cell, not a limb, not an organ. She was given to ME and I want her for a long time.
We did have to make that decision and we DID decide to give all that our child could give so that another family didn’t suffer the way that we are suffering. Another family can have a chance to see their baby have birthdays, another family can hear their baby say, “Momma” and “Dadda”, another family can dress their baby in Easter dresses and take photos with Santa, another family can have first days of school and first dates and high school graduations. Another family won’t have to cry these tears, these warm, sad tears that pour down my face and leave my cheeks so cold.