Because I’ve worked at a church for the last 15 or more years, I know that a lot of people are wondering where is God in your posts and the things that you say?
And the thing is that for the last two weeks I’ve been asking the same question, where is God?
I don’t want to believe that He’s here. I don’t want to believe that he’s had anything to do with this, because…”Why?” That’s always my question every morning, “Why?” and then my next question is, “WHAT am I supposed to do?” What am I supposed to do with this pain and this hurt and this nightmare?
People tell me that I’m being watched by others to see how I react, how I respond and that everything is for the glory of God and that people might come to know Jesus because of Shaundi. They said the same thing when my 15 year old brother died. They say, “It’s God’s will.”
They are wrong.
I don’t believe that God would will anything like this to happen to anyone. I believe somehow He will be able to use the situation for good someday, through me, through my husband, through my daughters, through others, but I don’t believe this was His will.
I question him many times every day, “WHY!? WHY?! Why God? Why me? Why Shaundi?! Why MY heart? Why MY soul?! Why MY baby?!”
And he doesn’t answer.
For the rest of my life I will ask these questions over and over again because I don’t think I’ll ever have an answer that is good enough to settle my soul and repair my broken heart.
Do I see God anywhere?
He is in the love that other people have for my family, in the care that is being given to our family, in the hearts of other people.
I feel so far away from him. I feel betrayed. I feel hurt. I feel devastated.
So where is God? I hope he’s hiding for a while because I just can’t look at Him right now.
Photos used in this post are photos taken by members of the youth group I am the former director of. Shaundi spent several days wrapped close to me while the youth group and I played and learned on a retreat this summer. #loveforshaundi