The holidays were such a mixed bag this year. In November I was invited to visit Grapevine and Dallas, Texas. The group I was part of had a terrific time visiting all of the best places Grapevine and Dallas had to offer. We were treated so well!

A couple weeks later our whole family went to California to meet all of my family. It was the first time most of my family met baby Scout and the first time many of them met Lulu. We had a wonderful Thanksgiving meal and enjoyed spending time with my parents and even my sister and her husband who flew in from England!

All of our preparations and pre-Christmas activities and events were fantastic and despite the occasional toddler fit, we really enjoyed all that Indianapolis had to offer during the month of December.

Christmas week, my grandfather died suddenly.

papgramaandkidsThere’s really nothing to write leading up to that sentence and nothing to say right afterwards. Everything seems like such a blur, even now. As an adult, as a mother, I feel like it’s impossible to find the time to mourn and cry and sit with my thoughts. When do you find the time? When do you sit still and think and reflect and maybe even cry?

I’ve never had a problem crying, I’m one of the most sensitive (emotional) people you’ll ever meet but when it comes to death, it seems disrespectful to just let the tears flow at any given moment — like it shouldn’t be random or unplanned or unscheduled. It can’t happen when the babies are around or at my desk at work or while teaching. I can’t just will it to happen when it’s naptime. During shower time, will my tears get washed down the drain? Will it be like sweating in a pool — you don’t even know it’s happening? If you don’t know it’s happening, does it count? Will it satisfy that need and desire to mourn and to feel my loss?